The Winterthur Library

The Joseph Downs Collection of Manuscripts and Printed Ephemera

Henry Francis du Pont Winterthur Museum

5105 Kennett Pike, Winterthur, Delaware 19735

Telephone: 302-888-4600 or 800-448-3883

OVERVIEW OF THE COLLECTION

Creator: Lawrence, Ephraim, 1735-1809.

Title: Diary,

Dates: 1757, July-1758, January 1

Call No.: Doc. 1696

Acc. No.: 15x104

Quantity: 1 volume (68 pages)

Location: 31 J 4

BIOGRAPHICAL STATEMENT

Ephraim Lawrence (1735-1809) of Pepperell, Middlesex County, Massachusetts, kept this diary. He was the son of Peleg Lawrence (1701-July 27, 1757) and Ruth Brown Lawrence (died Sept. 4, 1757). Ephraim married first Anna Fiske (1747-1774) and then Ruth Green (died 1816). Among his children was daughter Mary Emerson Lawrence (1784-1830; she married Luther Lakin in 1808; died in Troy, New York). Ephraim Lawrence became a doctor and was active in Pepperell town politics and in his local church.

Ephraim’s sister Sarah was born in 1739 and died on July 24, 1757. They had brothers Oliver (born 1728) and Asa (1737-1804; fought in the American Revolution). They also had sisters Mary (born 1733, married Isaac Lakin) and Ruth, who was born in 1731, married Charles Wetherill, and died July 30, 1757. A genealogy site listed these Wetherill children: Obadiah (born 1748, and possibly the “cousin Obadiah” mentioned as visiting Sarah Lawrence, see page 3 of diary), Charles (1751-January 1757), Mary (born 1753), and Ruth (born 1755). (Charles Wetherill the father remarried, to someone named Leah, and they had several children.)

Between July 1 and October 15, 1757, two hundred nineteen residents of Pepperell, Massachusetts, became ill of a fever of some sort, perhaps typhus or malaria. Of the 219 who became ill, 25 died, including 17 heads of families. There were outbreaks of fever in other years as well, and the illness became known as the “Pepperell Fever.”

Peleg Lawrence made his will on July 26, 1757, and was barely able to sign it. The witnesses were Isaac Colburn (who died in the Lawrence house in September 1757), Joseph Emerson, Oliver Prescott, and Josiah Sartell. The appraisers of the estate included William Lawrence, Josiah Sartell, and Deacon Jeremiah Lawrence. The value of Peleg’s estate, including real estate, was over one thousand pounds (from which debts had to be paid). Eventually, the home lot, including house, barn, corn mill, and some acres, was given to Ephraim and Asa as part of their share of the estate.

The uncle Comings mentioned on October 21 may have been Samuel Cumings (1709-1772), who was married to Prudence Lawrence. He was one of the men who chose Daniel Emerson to be minister of the Holles (now spelled Hollis), New Hampshire church. This Daniel Emerson, who served in Hollis from 1743-1801, may be the Rev. Emerson who is mentioned several times. The Hollis Historical Society’s brief town history also mentions that the Colburns were a prominent 18^th century family. Nothing is known about Isaac Colburn, who died at the Lawrence home on September 7, 1757.

SCOPE AND CONTENT

The diary opens by recounting the deaths of Ephraim Lawrence’s father, two sisters (Sarah and Ruth), mother, and a friend (Isaac Colburn), in July and September 1757. Primarily, the diary records Ephraim’s spiritual struggles and his affirmation of the goodness of God as he seeks to cope with his bereavements. He is also suffering from an on-going medical issue (“running of my reins and weakness in the small of my back” are the chief complaints), the suffering from which both adds to his religious struggles and deters him from moving forward with his intention to study medicine. He gives little specifics of other activities, but mentions the appraisers coming to appraise his father’s estate, dividing “movables” with his brothers, and closing out his father’s accounts. Thursday, November 17, 1757, was Thanksgiving Day in Massachusetts, a day spent attending church and having supper with friends. He often attended church on Sunday and occasionally visited doctors. The last dated entry is January 1, 1758, with Ephraim still ill. He had spoken to two doctors about studying with them, but does not mention which, if either, he had chosen.

ORGANIZATION

The entries are in chronological order.

LANGUAGE OF MATERIALS

The materials are in English.

RESTRICTIONS ON ACCESS

Collection is open to the public. Copyright restrictions may apply.

PROVENANCE

Gift of Mr. and Mrs. George Mathias. (Neither is descended from Ephraim Lawrence. Mrs. Mathias’ mother purchased the Mary Emerson Lawrence sampler, and the diary came with it.)

RELATED MATERIALS

A sampler made by Ephraim Lawrence’s daughter Mary Emerson Lawrence, worked in 1797, is owned by the Winterthur Museum.

ACCESS POINTS

People:

Lawrence family.

Topics:

Bereavement.

Death.

Death of parents.

Diseases.

Distribution of decedents’ estates – Massachusetts – Pepperell.

Faith.

Funeral rites and ceremonies – Massachusetts – Pepperell.

Medicine – Massachusetts – 18^th century.

Men – Diaries.

Physicians – Massachusetts – 18^th century.

Prayers.

Religious thought.

Thanksgiving Day.

Diaries.

TRANSCRIPTION OF THE DIARY

Note: spelling has mostly been regularized, although ye, yt, and tho have been retained for the, that, and though. Capitalization in the original has not been observed. Punctuation has been added in many places, but not noted. The pages are worn along the edges, and words at ends of lines or at bottoms of pages were often difficult to read. Some pages had a heading at the top; these are transcribed on the same line as the page number.

The paper wrapper, with the name Lawrence written in pencil on the front cover, is not original to the diary.

[page 1]

As far [missing] health & surcomstance [circumstance] [missing] Providence shall permit[?] of ---- [dashes in original] And by ye Grace of God I shall endeavor to make some remarks on Spiritual things as well as temporal affairs &c.

O I desire & pray yt God may be with me & keep me from [?] on either Hand, & yt I may be kept from delusion [?] pride & hypocrisy, & yt I may be led by His holy & wise Spirit & conducted & taught by Him in all things so yt I may not offend his holy Majesty, nor any of his childing[? children is perhaps meant] in any thing[?] which I do ask for Christ’s sake. Amen.

An account of the sickness & deaths in our Family in July 1757, which is a melancholy account indeed. ------

The first yt was taken sick was my dear Sister Sarah. She was seized[?] with a fever & ague at first, but the ague soon abated & the fever [?] to a very great heath [i.e. heat] & about the 8^th or 9^th day ye heaves[?] set in & at times she seemed[?] to be something out, tho she was but very little irrational during her sickness, except yt night before her dying[?]. She died [?] on ye twelfth day of her sickness which was Lords Day, July 24^th, 1757, in ye morning, and she[?] was I hope rec’d into the arms of Christ, to be forever with ye Lord, where I hope we shall have a joyful meeting another day.

[page2]

[torn] ye time of her sickness especially[?] the latter part of it, she was in great distress about her precious [?] soul, so yt her whole concern seemed to be to get an interest in Christ. She seemed to be distressed about her soul & that she had neglected her soul & [?] of ye great work of corruption[?] making her peace with God [?] sick bed. She lamented her neglecting secret prayer & hypocrisy & youthful vanities &c, and seemed to be in good earnest after a free pardon of all her sins; & desirous to come on ye bended knee of her soul to Him for pardon, she was very frequent & fervent in her cries to the God of mercies for pardon & forgiveness of her sins. She often cried for a smile from Christ &c. She was very desirous of all our prayer & of those yt visited her, not for her life but yt she might have a pardon for her sins & yt she might [?] ye Lord Christ. ----- When she first began to be in such great concern about her soul she seemed to think yt she should be lost & eternally [?]. ---- I remember one morning as I went in to her, O, said she, how can you bear yt your poor sister Sarah should be damned[?] & go to be in Hell forever. --- But afterwards she seemed to receive comfort &c, ----- As[?] I tended on her as much as my health would permit of – once as she desired me to pray for her, I told her to look [?] & pray for herself & I would go above & try to pray for her also, which she desired[?] yt I would. Likewise wife, I retired to ye barn & spent some considerable time on my knees, & I hope with some fervor & earnestness for her soul. ---- Some time in ye day not long after as I sat by her bed, she asked me if I had found Christ &c, [?] I put same question to her, she told me she thought she had found Christ, &c. ---- Another time she took me by the hand & said she hoped we might meet in heaven to live with ye Lord forever together (or to yt purpose) and said yt she almost wanted I should be go with with [sic] her now. And another time as I stood by her bed, she looked upon me & told me that I was weakly & yt she did not think [she] would live a great while. O said she

[page 3]

keep on seeking Christ &c. O, she said, she[?] had thought many a time, yt I was gone alone[?] to pray for her. O she said yt she was sorrow yt she had neglected her duty & lived[?] as it were without God in ye night[?].

In ye time of her sickness, she sent for some of her companions & mates, to speak something to them about their souls. She said yt it might be yt she might do some good to their souls, &c.

She had a great deal to say to ye young people about an eternity (& I thought) she gave counsall [counsel]. ---- She seemed to be in great concern about her brother Asa. O, said she, he hath been very rude, so as to lead me astray, so yt I should not have done had it not been for him & his crafty tryks [tricks] or vanities. She seemed to manifest a concern for his precious soul. --- She had a considerable to say to little Sarah Henry[?] which lived with us. She told her to mind her mistress & read her Book & leave of [sic, off is meant] all her wicked ways & be a good garrel [girl]. ----- Likewise, as her little cousin Obadiah Wetherill [see biographical note] come into ye room, she told him to come to her bed for she had something to say to him; then she told him to mind[?] & be a good boy & obey his mother & not to run away from home without leave & to read his Book, &c.

She told me one time yt ye Divel [i.e. Devil] had been put dreadful wicked thoughts to her. I asked her what, she told me, it was whether she should not be ashamed of those [?] & promises which she had made. (if she should get well again), I asked her whether she thought she should, she told me no, she should not, &c. -------

She seemed to manifest a willingness to die if it God’s will, as I heard my mother say, yt she told her or yt she heard her say, yt she was willing to leave this world because there [?] is so many delving[? Perhaps devilish was meant] vanities & things to lead her away &c. ----- In the time of her sickness, she gave me her [rest of sentence is worn and difficult to read]

[page 4]

Ye night before she died, she was pretty much out & bewildered & in the morning, she breathed out her soul by an easy death.

According to the best of my remembrance, I have wrote concerning my deceast [sic, i.e. deceased] sister as I rec’d from her, or to ye same meaning if I am not mistaken.

My father was taken [ill – omitted] on Tuesday July ye 19^th, 1757 & died the ninth day. -------

In ye fore part of his sickness, he seemed to be in some distress & darkness about his soul & often crying to God for one smiles & to lift upon him ye light of His countenance. --- & was often acknowledging his slackness of duties towards his one soul & family[?] & the church; & his wordlyness &c. But in ye greatest[?] of his darkness, he said yt he had a hope yt he would not take a world[?] for it. ----- Sometimes he looked back and seemed to fetch comfort & said that his hand had not been shut to the cry of the poor &c. ---- He seemed to signify a desire to live, to settle his worldly business, because it was in such a unsettled & scattered manner; so yt he thought his heirs would belike to loose [sic, i.e. lose] a great deal &c. ----- But, says he, God’s will be done; once I heard him say it seemed to him it would be more to God’s glory for him to live a little longer, but he seemed to be resigned to ye will of ye lord. ---- He seemed to endure & bare [sic, i.e. bear] his pains & scorching fever with great patience. He was very often lifting up fervent cries for pardon & ye light of God’s countenance & forgiveness & asking forgiveness of his children & neighbors. Once I asked him whether he was willing to die. Willing, yes, said

[Page 5]

said [sic] he, as I sat by him. Once I asked his forgiveness of my faults, &c. O my dear son, says he, I can forgive you all, &c. He encouraged & spoke in recommendation of ye meeting of the young people for religious example on Lord’s Day after meeting & said he would not have us meet to be [?] of man but to serve God &c. I heard my sister that lay by him, say before her death, that she heard him say yt he had found Christ &c. A day or two before his death he seemed to be more com[?] in his soul & seemed to long for death. He did not love to hear anybody mention anything about his recovery or living. He seemed to want to have ye work of death done. He was loathe to take any cordials for fear it would stay him in ye body some longer; it seemed yt he was ready to cry out Lord why art thou so long a coming, why tarry ye wheels of thy chariot &c.—

In ye morning before ye night yt he died, I heard him praying &some of the last words yt he said, was Lord into thy hands do I commend my departing spirit., &c, & such like cries & petitions he spent ye remnant of his life. [missing paper] upon him in a moderate [missing paper] to be [?] in [missing paper] ye forepart of ye day & Lo by degrees death[?] on tell [i.e. until] at length he breathed out his soul. (His reason seemed to be continue as long as his life except at some times. --- The day before he died he made his will & settled a considerable deal of business & accts.) And was then rec’d into ye arms of the Lord Jesus Christ his Lord & Master, as I hope & trust.

Mem. Sister Ruth Wetherill died on Saturday July ye 30, 1757, after about 11 or 12 days illness of ye fever, attended with other difficulties. I know but little about her spiritual convictions & con[?], or of what she said concerning her future state in time of her sickness for I was there but a very little, while she was ill because of the sickness & death at home [???] &c. But the day after

[page 6]

after [sic] my sister Sarah was buried, I went to see her & as soon as I entered the room – dear Ephm., said she, I love you ye best of all my brothers, & took me by the hand, &c. – She told me she believed yt she should die before morning. – I asked her whether she was willing; she told me she should be glad to see her evidence more clear for Heaven, &c. – She seemed to be in great concern[?] &c. – Another time I was there with the Rev. Mr. Emerson & heard their discourse. She said that she had kept up a form of prayer for time past - &c. She often found such a wandering & wicked heart within her yt she often stood[?] almost amazed[?] to think what was in her, &c. --- She seemed to have death imprest upon her, all her sickness, yt she should die. --- I believe she was under some concernment[?] for some time before her sickness about her soul. --- She often thought herself a ding[?] & she was something out or bewildered at times before her death. Till at last she breathed out her soul & launched into ye world of Spirits & I hope was rec’d into ye Kingdom of Christ.

My dear & tender Mother (who hath been so very kind & tender to me, especially of late, under my weaknesses & from whence I expected great relief from now yt my father and sister had left me & whom my father a little before his death when[?] he made his will recommended me to or told yt I might receive help from, therefore he made me no consideration or help because of my weakliness &c, but turned me to my dear mother) was taken Saturday, Aug. 27, 1757, of ye fever yt ye rest of our folks died of. She was seized with ye Ague & then ye fever came on. She had some apprehension of her death by what she said as soon as she was taken. She lay sick till Sept 4 which was Lord’s Day & then in ye morning, she resigned her soul up to God took her flight & to ye afterworld (I hope) was rec’d to everlasting glory & bliss. She died yt day six weeks after my sister Sarah (without any will), she being deprived of her reason most of her time while sick. See on wc last page I wrote. [this last sentence is rather difficult to read]

[page 7]

Begins my journal from July 17^th to Aug. 8, 1757. Here I shall make some general remarks and not particularize every day. By reason of ye sickness coming into our family & my indisposition of body & the hurry yt I was in. I was obliged to omit my daily acc’t, & my memory is not able to recollect every day in particular. --- Therefore I shall endeavor to make some hints to ye best of my remembrance, &c.

From July ye 17^th till the next August [?] day Aug, 9^th[?], 1757. These three weeks – I was at home &c. --- In something of a weak state of health, my weaknesses were as before – a great weakness in ye small of my back & acrost my kidneys, a running in my reins [meaning kidneys], faintness, weakness at my vitals, a poor appetite & something of melancholy with all, often under discouragement & dejections. In ye time here mentioned, I rode to ye Zoar with Mr. Emerson who went to preach a sermon there, felt pretty much wearied with ye journey & while I was there I was taken with a disorder in my eyes – viz, my eye sight seemed to go away & a dimness came on so that I could hardly see acrost ye house or discern one person from another. This disorder continued for about one hour --- but I kept it private &c. ---

I think I was wonderfully supported in ye time of sickness in ye family for in this time my father and sister lay sick -- & I was enabled to do & assist in ye taking care of them a great deal, far beyond what I thought I could go through at sometimes I [smeared ink] felt considerable lively &c, but all along very weak, but my weaknesses & disorder were often shifting, at sometimes better & at other times worse. I was not able to perform my duties[?] (as I thought) and at times I felt very weak[?], discouraged[?] & was ready to think yt I should never get well. At other times I couraged[?] &c.

[page 8] A journal from July ye 17^th Augt. 8^th 1757

In ye time when my father & sister lay sick, I spent much time with them in ye room where they lay. I had a considerable deal of discourse with my sister. I spent a considerable time alone in secret prayer every day a [sic, i.e. as] much as my business would allow off [i.e. of] & my health (& I hope) was enabled to put up earnest prayer for my dear sister that she might find the Lord Christ in her soul & obtain pardon & salvation, likewise for my father & sister Wetherill. --- But my sister Sarah seemed the most nearest & dearest to me of all my relations --- and her death seemed to effect [sic] me more than the death of my kind & tender father & other sister. ---

The Sabbath day morning that my sister Sarah died – when I was called up to see her die, & they told me she was a dying, it seemed to cut me to ye soul. O I can’t express the feeling but those yt have felt it, only know what it is. --- In ye night before her death when they called up ye man yt lay with me, by reason of her growing worse --- it made me feel so uneasy yt I could not be easy till I arose & spent some considerable time upon my knees – in praying & weeping. --- Likewise while she was dying, I spent ye time chiefly alone in ye chamber – praying & crying to God to receive her departing spirit, &c. – After her death, I fell into a solitary & lonesome state like a sparrow on ye house top or as a dove yt had lost its mate, in a very melancholy frame. My sister lying dead, my father just a going after her, likewise my other sister drawing very near to ye world of spirits, O it was a distressing time for the hand of ye Lord seemed to lie sore upon us. I kept a pretty deal alone & in sweat [perhaps sweet was meant] devotion. [???] day following when my father died, I seemed to feel stupefied and hardened that when my dear father was breathing out his spirit, I could hardly shed a tear, but I went alone & [?] to as ex[?]ly as I could & begged yt God would receive his departing spirit &c upon my knees &c.

In ye evening after my father died, I had a pretty deal of discourse with Mr. Cobburn [sic, but the surname is probably Colburn] about my soul & spiritual things. I told him some thing of experiences &c. (He advised me to keep on seeking if I had began &c.) I was in considerable

[page 9] A journal from July 17^th to Augt. 8^th 1757

Concern about my soul & I thought [?] to embrace ye Lord Jesus Christ if I were able, but yet I could find in me at ye same time a cold earthly heart & inclination after wordly pleasure & happiness. --- Tho my experience told me there was no durable[?] or real comfort in anything here below or short of Christ. But here lay ye difficulty yt I had a cold dull heart & how could I help it. --- I saw yt praying, reading & all yt I could do would not do. --- I often tried to go to Christ (with ye ruler in ye gospel Luke 18 chapter, 18 v.) to ask what I should do to be saved & to get an interest in Christ (as I thought), I thought yt I was willing to part with everything for Christ, even my life, &c. ------------- Sometimes I seemed to receive some comfort & relief in meditation & prayer. ------ At other times I found nothing but dry husks & a cold dull heart, &c. ---------- I was present at my other sister’s death & saw her breathe her last, which seemed to have some effect on me, but it did not seem to take yt effect on my soul as I wanted it should. -----

At the time when my father made his will, my mother & 2 brothers were present and I were with them part of ye time [?] & then I took ye blessed[?] book ye Bible & retired[?] to ye barn, read ye 27 Psal.[Psalm] ye whole of it, then tried to look up to God[?] in prayer, yt he would direct my father in settling his business & yt he would order all things for[?] ye best. Likewise yt he would order things for me as should be most[?] for his glory & ye good of my soul, & yt if he was a going to take away my earthly father, yt he would take me up, as in ye 10 verse. ------

In ye time I think I was a little better as to my health, my appetite seemed to be better, ye weakness in my back was pretty much as usual, & ye doct. Gave me a plaster which I applied to ye small of my back, & I was still using[?] means[?] from ye doct. &c. --- One morning there was a remarkable long worm come from me; near a yard long, I believe, after yt I seemed to mend as I thought on some acct.[?] ---- But ye running in my reins continued at times, which is a symptom of a consumption --- & at times I thought yt my great change was near at hand or yt that I should not live long; which at times would affright or terrify me – some for fear[?]

[page 10] A journal from July 17^th to Augt. 8^th

Fear yt God would not except [sic, accept was meant] of me, or yt I won’t prepared to die. -----

I thought I could be willing to die any time if I had an assurance of God’s love or an interest in Christ. ---- At other times I felt (as I thought) resigned & submissive to ye will of God, yt I could say God’s will be done. --- I resolved to trust in Him let what would come, tho He should slay me. But at sometimes I found within me a wicked, fretful, & impatient heart & spirit and was almost ready to think yt God dealt hardly with me. O I have thought yt I have had almost a quarreling disputation with ye great God who could have sent me into Hell in a moment. ---- O alas what is in me. ----

After ye deaths of my father & sisters I felt so careless[?] & dull yt I was afraid yt I should anger God by not taking a proper notice of these providences. --- & I looked upon myself yt I was loudly called upon, & yt God expected something from me by these calls. ---

I asked ye prayer of several friends, & asked of God to teach me ye lesson yt He would have me to learn, & what he would have me do at such a time, & yt He would set[?] home these his strokes to my spiritual good. I seemed to be afraid yt I should not be have a right at such a time. I tried [?] myself to see what was ye evil yt angered God to deal thus with me. --- I saw yt God was just in His dealings & yt I had no cause to complain, but yt I had cause to bless God, yt I was alive & out of Hell & yt I had so many[?] friends still left. (O there is no living man any cause to complain) I saw yt God ruled as He pleased & how it were but a few weeks past[?], yt there my distressed[?] friends were as I thought more likely to live than I by far according to human appearance, but God pleased to take them & leave me, for which I (hope) I tried to bless him yt I was yet alive &c.

[page 11] My daily journal August 8^th

Monday August 8^th [9^th was crossed out and replaced with 8^th]. Spent ye day at home and ye chief of ye forenoon in secret prayer, felt in great concern of soul; & inward conflicts, enjoyed but little comfort. Appeared to myself very vile, found in myself an impatient, fretful & peversed[?] disposition. --- Saw something of my impotence & unability [sic] of doing anything of myself towards salvation; without help from Christ. (I hope I felt something of a vile, weak disposition to to [sic] think hard of God; or yt I was willing to except [sic; accept was meant] of Him if I were able. [here, a line is crossed through.]

---- was under some melancholy or desponding thought or discouragement chief of ye day.

Tuesday Aug. 9. I rode to Holles on some business, was taken with a dimness or disorder in my eyes (as before mentioned when at ye Zoar). --- As I returned had some discourse with a Christian friend about my soul, who gave me good counsel & advised me to never give over, but to seek on & plead with Christ &c. She advised me to read ye 18^th chap. of St. Luke & to beg of God to set it [?] to my soul, &c,

Wed. Aug. 10. Rode to Lenkerster [i.e. Lancaster] to see Doct. Prentice to see if I can’t recover my health by any means, for those means of Dr. [?] did not seem to help, or to answer ye end. [?] before I went to Dr. Prentice, after some considerable time in secret, asking God’s protection, assistance, & blessing, &c. --- rode there & was [?] through ye journey wonderful well & rec’d kindly & entertained yt night at ye doct., &c. [This Dr. Prentice may have been Stanton Prentice (1711-1769), who lived in Lancaster.]

Thur. Aug. 11. After receiving some medicines of ye dr. & directions, rode home; was enabled to perform ye journey comparable well. ye dr. gave some considerable encouragement of helping me, &c. I had some discourse with him concerning going to live with him to study

[page 12] July, Aug. 12, 1757

study [sic] physick if it should please God to spare & recover me to such measures of health as would allow of it.

Friday, Aug. 12. Was something poorly & not capable of much service ---- was exceeding weak in ye small of my back --- & ye running in ye reins yet continued, &c. --- prepared some medicines & began to use those of Dr. Prentice’s ordering. --- kept my chamber most of ye day, in reading & writing &c, was something freer from melancholy or discouragements. – I thought myself unable to go to studying Latin. Therefore continued at home, &c.

Saturday, Aug. 13. Spent ye forepart of ye day at home in my chamber, in reading, &c. In afternoon walked to ye burying of ye Wid. Parker. [Bethiah Parker died of fever on August 12^th] Felt (I thought) some better, but was very weak & in a special manner in ye small of my back; had something of a fever inwardly, &c. was under some melancholy feelings, at times, often felt lonesome & disconsolate, &c, my disorder being such an attack to take away ones spirits & liveliness & vigor --- & my father & sisters being dead & gone & sickness & death prevailing in ye place, which made things appear with a very melancholy aspect sometimes (I hope) I was something affected with things & at other times seemed to be hardened, dull & cold.[?]

O alas my --- hard heart – I saw yt all providences, afflictions & warnings would not awake me out of this spiritual sleep & awaken me to set about my great & eternal work in good earnest, without God by his holy spirit apply & sanctify ‘em to my soul, &c, Oh to get ye heart of stone taken away & to get a heart of flesh, a [soft?] prayerful heart. Oh I pray yt God would give me such an heart as he would have me have & yt he would put a rite [sic, right was meant] spirit within me. Oh yt he would mold me in his own image, &c.

Lord’s Day, Aug. 14. Went chh [church]. Was in a cold frame chief of ye day, but I hope had good desires by ye influences of ye Holy Spirit of God. After meeting, meet [sic] with ye society,

[page 13]

it being my turn to perform ye duty of reading. We began by singing ye 3 last stanzas of ye 90 Psalm. Then read ye 7^th chapter of Matthew; after prayer read a discourse of seeking of God early. --- from Prov. 8-17: I love them yt love me and those yt seek me early shall find me. -----

Was wonderfully strengthened in body & felt considerably strong in [?] &c. O blessed be God for it, who is ye only physition [i.e. physician] yt can heal and strengthen me. ---

In the evening had an inward desire for all precious souls yt they might be brought to find ye Lord Jesus Christ & ye interest of Zion lay on my mind (I hope) seemed to have a desire to do something for God in ye world for ye advance of precious souls, &c.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday, Aug. 15^th, 16^th & 17^th. Spent these days at home except walking to some of ye near neighbors to see them. Seemed to be something better as to my health & ye running in my reins seemed some abated. --- Blessed be God for it & all other mercies. --- I kept my chamber very close so yt I fear[?] hurt[?] me to my health. Read a considerable deal in ye H. Scripture & some other good books, &c. Spent hours every day in secret prayer &c. --- Had some small realishes[?] of God’s love or comfort from Him at some times in secret prayer (I hope). But O, I am afraid yt I shall deceive my soul. --- Oh, I pray God for his Son’s sake yt I may not build on anything short of Christ, who is ye sure foundation.. ---

I was enabled to carry on family duties when Mr. Colburn was gone, &c. --- Had some thoughts upon owning ye covenant which appeared as a duty which I resolved upon doing, &c. --- At times was something melancholy, &c, but was some freer from those melancholy disorders yn [than] I have sometime past & something more lively & vigorous yn I was last week. ---

O, I desire to bless God for any & all mercy & relief & yt I yet live, live while so many others are dead. O yt I may improve my time so as to prepare for an eternity. In these three days, there was but one death, I think, in this place, but there was a great many

[page 14] Aug. 15^th, 16^th & 17^th

sick, & ye sickness seeming to spread.

Thursday, Aug. 18. Spent yt day at home. Was in a hurried perplexed frame of mind. Seemed to have everything to do & not fit to do anything. Spent a considerable deal of time in trying to pray, but was perplexed & troubled with worldly & wicked vanities & thoughts, the world & rude company. Oh how do they plague & war against ye poor soul, oh how they put me out of frame, they trouble me, they will undo me, except overcome by ye grace of Christ & his strength. Oh yt he would send help[?], strength & relief, & yt right early, to awake my poor soul & raise it to Life Everlasting. ----

Friday, Aug. 19. Through the goodness of God seemed better on all my disorders & weaknesses (I think). Blessed be ye Lord God of Heaven for it. Spent ye fore part of ye day in secret prayer & reading God’s books. In ye middle of ye day did some writing in my journal. Towards night, rode to ye Revd. Mr. Em’s [Emerson], and then went to ye funeral of ye wife of Jacob Ames, returned a little after sundown home. [Sarah Parker Ames of Pepperell died Aug. 18, 1757, from fever.] Visited a young woman yt was sick. Heard of two deaths in ye place. [Thomas Seward, aged 28, and Ruth Jewett, aged 5, died on Aug. 19, 1757.] Felt something melancholy & disconsolate; had some considerations[?] yt it must be my turn very quick & I did not know how soon. Had some thoughts of what an awful condition Christless souls are in. Oh, I was afraid yt I had never experienced a thorough conversion. Oh Lord, bless[?], help, turn me & I shall be turned. In ye even [evening] after supper was taken with very poorly, was afraid yt Death was a coming for me yt night. Oh, I did not see my evidence clear for a removal to ye world of

[page 15]

spirits. Oh what a [?]stness came on me. --- But it soon pleased God to releave me by my vomiting & He soon gave me ease. Oh bless ye Lord, o my soul, & releaved body, bless his Holy Name. ----

After family duties, as I was a going to bed, I retired into ye garret for secret prayer. Spent some considerable time in yt duty; had some warmth & ferver in trying to give my soul to ye Lord & begging of Him to come & release [or releave] my depressed troubled soul &c. ---- But, oh, how much dullness & wanderings were there in the best of my duties. Oh yt God would take away ys [this] wicked heart & give me a godly one. O, yt he would mold me in his own image.

Saturday, Aug. 20. Did considerable writing in my journal, &c. --- In ye afternoon went to ye funeral of Mr. N. Jewett’s child. [Ruth Jewett died of fever on Aug. 19. Her parents were Lydia Blood and Nehemiah Jewett.] Was pretty much as usual as to my health, but was very weak & relax’t[?] & I don’t know but in a consumptive habit, & very weak in ye small of my back & ye disorder in my reins & weak at my vitals. But through ye goodness of God had a better appetite, & I think I have had a better week or been more comfortable than last week & freer from ye other disorders. In ye evening had some thoughts whether I did not wrong my body in spending myself so much in secret devotion when under such weakness, but I could not prove yt I did. Tho I often felt very much spent, yet I could not see[?] yt any pains could be too dear for one’s soul, &c. Oh yt God would teach me his will & enable me to do it.

Lord’s Day, Aug. 21. Went to church. Found yt my heart was wandering, cold & worldly. After meeting, meet with ye society, made ye 1^st prayer, & with some earnestness & love for our souls (I hope) & desire for ye building up of ye Lord’s Zion & [?] of religion. But oh my coldness, dullness & stupidness, O, I can’t do anything agreeable to God’s will of myself. O, I sin in every thing. Oh, there is nothing in me yt is right & if I obtain mercy ever it must be free mercy through Jesus Christ. Oh, yt ye Lord would help a poor creature.

[page 16] Aug. 22nd, 1757. AEt 22 [AEt is abbreviation of Latin word for age]

Monday, Aug. 22. Kept house pretty close by reason of ye rain & storm. Did some writing, &c. Was as usual of health, relaxed & poorly & ye other disorders. O I hope yt I am content & submissive by ye grace & help of God. Oh yt God would order these troubles for my spiritual & everlasting good. ---

Tuesday, Aug. 23. Rode to my brother Oliver Lawrence’s & to Mr. Tyng’s on some business. Felt very much worried in ye small of my back a riding. Was detained so yt I was obliged to be out very late at night, till near 11 or 12 o’clock, & was exposed to ye evening air, &c. Was something spent & tired when I got home but ye Lord preserved & kept me from taking cold or any injury[?].

Wednesday, Aug. 24. Spent ye chief of ye day in my chamber in reading some God’s book & other devotion. Was (I hope) a little better as to my health & some peculiar disorders. Blessed be God for it. O, God is my only physician who keeps me alive every minute & heals & releaves me. Oh it is all from Him and to Him be all praise & thanks for all mercies, both spiritual & temporal.

Thursday, Aug. 25. Spent ye forepart of ye day at home, in my chamber chiefly; in afternoon rode out, &c. Toward night, rode to Mr. Emerson’s, had some discourse concerning ye weak state of health yt I was in. --- With Miss Emerson, she told me yt she did not think yt ever I would get well again, or to yt purpose. I told her yt it appeared so to me very often, & I thought I was willing to leave ys [this] world if I was prepared for to die. Felt extremely melancholy & disconsolate as I came home & all ye evening, yea, & in ye night watches. Death seemed to be at hand; oh how awful it is to met [sic] Death unprepared. O, ye thoughts of it is enough to drive ye soul to despair. Spent some time in secret prayer; was enable to cry to Christ for help. Oh what a great piece of work is it to prepare for to die. O, it is enough for one’s whole life; [folded corner] yt ye Lord would appear for me now even this night[? – part of word is folded back], oh how can I live any longer without

[page 17]

assurance or at least a well-grounded hope of an eternal & everlasting interest in Jesus Christ. --- Resolved as far as I was able to give myself to God & leave my soul with Him & to lie waiting at his footstool. But I found yt I had no strength to do anything. O, I thought I could embrace Jesus Christ if I were able. But here lay ye stick or difficulty what I can’t do to get a right heart or true desire so as to go to God aright & to trust[? word smeared] so as to receive. O I saw[?] must[?] have help from & thro Jesus Christ or I shall perish, I shall perish, O Lord Jesus – send help speedily, I beseech thee. ----

I don’t remember as ever I felt in such a melancholy, solitary, lonesome condition before. O, if I can find comfort & peace from ye Lord, there is nothing too hard to go through in ye life to obtain Eternal Life here after. --- Seemed to have a longing desire after communion with Christ & faith in him.

Friday, Aug. 26. Was in a very disconsolate, lonesome, discouraged, & melancholy frame of spirit all day & evening, Can’t see nothing that afforded ye least comfort or satisfaction to stand on in stead hereafter, & things yt used to look pleasant, now looked nothing but evilly[?], & my great change seemed to be coming on fast & I have to prepare to die. Oh, I felt but little heart or life for anything, I don’t remember as ever I felt such a day before.

Saturday, Aug. 27. Felt much in ye same condition or frame[? Looks like fraif] as yesterday; was under great distress & troubled of mind, & could find little or no comfort. Death appeared to be at ye door, often to me, & I was afraid that God would cut me off soon & send me to Hell. --- I was very weak of body and under several disorders

[page 18] Aug. 28, 1757

& difficulties so yt I had little or no hope of ever recovering to a state of health again. --- & my time appeared short & my work great. Oh, how awful it is to live in a graceless state. Oh, it is dreadful indeed. Spent much of ye day in reading & prayer. O, I thought I would give ten thousand worlds if I had them for an interest in Christ.

Lord’s Day, Aug. 28th. Felt something calm & sedate, & some of these melancholy & disconsolate fears seemed to be gone. Went to church; had some relish for God’s word (I hope); met also with ye society. --- O how good it is to serve ye Lord. Oh I hope I had some taste[?] of faith or love or desire after Jesus. But O how full of frailty and sin & wandering are my best duties. Oh God might justly cast ‘em [them] in my face as dung & say who hath required this at your hands.

Monday, Aug, 29. Spent ye day at home. Felt something cheerful & calm, & yet solemn. Felt submissive to ye will of God & encouraged in waiting on Him. Thought I could undergo anything for Christ, & Death did not appear so affrighting [spelled afritting] to me as it had some days past. Oh, if I had an interest in Jesus Christ assured to me, I thought I could be willing to die any time or undergo anything. --- Was in a very weak state of health & not able to any great [a word seems to be omitted here], at times was almost discouraged about proceeding in my leaving in order for to be a doctor, because of my weak state of health, but I had some hope yt God[?] would[?] appear for me & help me under my weakness & difficulties. Resolved to wait on God’s providence, yt He who knoweth all things would order yt which should be best.

[page 19] Aug. 29, 1757

Often tried to look to him in prayer, yt He would order my health, mind, & proceedings in yt way yt should be most for His glory & my spiritual good & welfare & yt affairs[?]

Tuesday, Aug. 30. Spent ye forenoon at home in ye house & in secret. My mother & Mr. Colburn being both sick, I did something toward taking care of them. At noon was asked to dine with R [Rev.] Mr. Emerson, & in ye afternoon rode to Groton on some business. Was under some melancholy dan--[?] & dark & gloomy clouds of discouragement as I rode ye Revd.[?] was treated kindly at Esqr. Stevens. Oh, I desire to thank God for all ye kindnesses which I am made ye partaker of. O God is ye fountain & to Him be ye Glory.

Wednesday, Aug. 31. Spent ye day at home chiefly; O, & fear some of it to little profit, which time I spent in merry talking or jesting with some young folks. O I always feel ye wose[? perhaps worse is meant] or disordered in sprit after being merry with young persons. Oh how doth it stir up vain thoughts & worldly cares and put me out of a good frame. Oh to be always on ye watch & guard. My weaknesses & disorder continued & was very poor, tho considerable free from melancholy. Just at night rode out about a mile & ½ for my health & to see ye folks yt was sick. Oh if it be God’s will, I should be glad[?] to be an instrument in the hand of God to do a great deal [of – omitted] good to ye sick, but God’s will be done.

Thursday, Sept. 1. Spent a considerable time in secret devotion, in asking God’s blessing & presents [presence was meant] with me in my intended journey to Lenkerster [i.e. Lancaster] to see ye Doct. to get something for my health & to relieve me under my weaknesses, for I saw all human means were of no value. Begged of God to direct[?]

[page 20] Sept. 2: 1757, AEt 22

to appear for my help & relief (if it was consistent with His Holy Will) & yt he would direct ye physician to those medicines to use as he should be pleased to bless for my recovery, as he blessed a lump of figs for ye healing of Hezekiah sore). Likewise for my mother sick & others sick in this place, &c. ---

In ye afternoon, rode to Lenkerster [i.e. Lancaster] & as I rode often was trying to lift up my soul to God in ye name of Christ for a pardon for all my past sins & follies. Oh I thought how happy it was to have an interest in Christ so as to have a kind God & Father everywhere, both at home & on ye road, every day & every night at home & abroad. Oh, thrice happy, happy soul is this. --

Friday, Sept. 2. Was hindered of my usual time of secret devotion because of my being from home. I had not the opportunity of getting alone as I used to at home. --- But I got alone and catched a little time & looked up to God in prayer. --- Was entertained very kindly at ye doctors. Received several medicines of ye dr. & brought home to use according to ye dr.’s directions. Ye dr. spoke encouraging as to my getting help, but I trust I looked to God & not man, for human means are of no value. Rode home; found my mother very ill & as I thought just leaving this world; felt very much let down & discouraged. Was very much tired & weary but spent considerable time in my chamber in looking up to God & begging mercy for my mother & begging for mercy for her soul. Likewise yt her life might be spared. Seemed loathed to part with her now; was very sorrow [sic] yt I had been gone while she had been so bad & yt I had not had opportunity to talk with her about her soul & dying as I wanted to.

[page 21] Sept. 1757, AEt 22

Saturday, Sept. 3. Was in an usual frame of spirit. Spent ye day at home. Did some writing in my journal, &c. Felt as usual of health but was in expectation almost every hour of my mother’s death, & Mr. Colburn was also sick and brought very low so yt it was a very melancholy house & time with me. In ye evening sat up very late to see my mother die, & by ye assistance of God, I made a prayer, thinking it would be ye last yt ever I should make for her; was enabled to be something zealous (I hope).

Lord’s Day, Sept. 4. This morning my mother died --- & I was left both fatherless & motherless. (O yt ye Lord would take me up & be to me a father & mother & a friend.) & was in very melancholy condition, my mother lying dead & I in a weak state of health. But I think I could say it is ye Lord, it is well (& I hope thro[?] ye faith & strength of ye Lord Christ). Had some conversation with a woman about spiritual things. O, I thought I loved all those yt seemed to be Christ’s children & it seemed sweet to converse of ye things of God. O I hope I’m in ye way of God, & if I be, blessed be God forever & ever, blessed be Christ. O, yt I may be enabled to press forward till I obtain in ye kingdom. O come Lord Jesus, come quickly & help a poor creature.

Monday, Sept. 5. At home chief of ye day. In ye afternoon attended ye funeral of my mother. Was as usual of health. Was something interrupted about my secret devotions by reason of preparing for ye funeral, but catched a few minutes & got alone in ye barn

[page 22]

at ye time of ye prayer. I think I seriously[?] ever felt so overcome, my spirit seemed ready to burst[?], I could hardly hold in, my heart felt almost melted down, not so much with grief & sorrow but with a love of Christ & for all precious souls (I hope). O glory be to God forever and ever. I seemed not to be so much terrified at ye thought of death as at often times. In ye evening I took some drops as I went to bed & more by one half yn [than] I ought to, & in ye night I was taken with a vomiting & felt very sick. But after ye my vomiting, I felt considerable easy, through ye goodness of God, who is my only helper & who hath so often helped me. O bless ye Lord, o my soul, for all His benefits.

Tuesday, Sept. 6. Kept house chief of ye day, did but little except help wait on Mr. Colburn, who then lay at ye point of death. Felt pretty weak & feeble.

Wednesday, Sept. 7. Was very weak & poor & kept about ye house. Spent considerable time in reading & prayer. This day about 2 o’clock, Mr. Colburn died (which was ye 4th death which had been in ye house in a little more than 6 weeks). [Isaac Colburn died of fever.] Spent much time while he lay breathing out his spirit, in my chamber on my knees in prayer to God yt He would receive my dear friend’s departing spirit. In ye evening felt very much spent & worn out & weak & faint, I being for some time before broke of my rest but the Lord was my helper & kept

[page 23] [The name Cynthia Fay[?] is written in the left margin on this page.]

me alive & from ye terrible fever. O God is good, Oh, He is full of mercy or I should not be alive now. Bless ye Lord, O my soul & body. I was pretty much interrupted for these few days past in my secret duties by reason of ye sickness & death which God had sent into ye house & by ye indisposition of my body & ye company which attended ye sick & ye disorder in ye family. [A few letters, seemingly random, not forming a word, are written after this.]

Thursday, Sept. 8. In ye forenoon assisted in preparing for ye funeral (which I had ye chief care of). In ye afternoon waited on ye funeral & was made a bearer by ye deceased’s friends. In ye evening, felt something melancholy & lonesome, being left alone almost, but tried to take comfort yt God lived[?], tho my father, mother, sisters, & friend were dead. O, yt God would take me up, Oh, yt he would be ye guide of my youth, Oh yt he would possess my spirit & prepare it for his kingdom.

Friday, Sept. 9. Was in a usual frame; did but little business, I remaining weak & low. Had some thought to go to my learning in order for to be a physician, but was under great discouragement, being so weakly & under such weak circumstances, & my father & mother being dead, from whom I expected great help. But yet I was not discouraged for I thought I was supported from God our Heavenly Father. Resolved to go to God for help & courage[?] & direction in all things & to betake myself to him. Oh yt God would help heal, lead, guide, & shelter me & guide all my ways with discression[? meaning discretion].

[page 24] AEt 22, AD 1757

Saturday, Sept. 10. About home in a usual frame of mind & state of health & something free from melancholy & was something submissive & calm, tho weak & low in health (to ye best of my remembrance now).

Lord’s Day, Sept. 11. Went to church, &c. Was as usual of health or something better, thro ye goodness of God. Oh blessed be God yt I live while others die, but above all I would bless God for ye hopes of salvation through Jesus Christ & for any of ye strivings of his holy spirit. Oh, if there is any good thing in me, it’s from God. Oh, bless ye Lord, O my soul, & forget not his benefit[?] towards me. ----

From Lord’s Day Sept. 11 to Lord’s Day Sept. 18, was in a continual hurry or else so worried yt I was not able to keep my daily journal by reason of sickness in my Br. [Brother, i.e. brother-in-law] Wetherill’s family & ye business yt fell on me by reason of ye Great Breach in our family, but I shall give some short hints, &c. Spent ye week chiefly about home; was much at my Brother Wetherill’s [Charles Wetherill, the widower of Ephraim’s sister Ruth] with ye young persons yt was sick, whom I had a great respect for, assisted in helping ‘em about something at times, &c. --- Was, I think, some better as to my health. Oh blessed be God for it; he is my only physician, & to him be all ye glory. Oh yt he would give me a right frame of spirit to live to & serve him. But I was still weak & very low & exercised with ye running in my reins, but I think it was something abated, &c. Was something free from melancholy & dejections, &c. Felt very calm & [a word blotted out] sedate chief of ye time & I hope submissive to God’s will. Took upon me ye duties of yt family but with some disorder by reason of yt family being gone before I was up in ye morning at sometimes, &c.

[page 25] N.B. I took a potion of physick.

Was still using means of Dr. Prentice direction, which I hope was attended with a blessing from God. --- Had some discourse with Dr. Ware concerning going to live with him as an apprentice but was under some discouragements because of my weak sate [sic, state was meant] of health. But (I hope) was willing to wait on God to order things & bring ‘em about as should be best. Spent some time considerable in secret devotion & I hope tried to give myself to God & prayed yt he would be ye guide of my youth & yt he would take me up into ye arms of his love & keep me close to him. But was much interrupted by reason of some company & ye business of ye place & settling of our affairs & some difficulties attending ye settlement by reason of my Br. Wetherill not being fully satisfied with my father’s will, but I desire to thank God yt I was no more taken off & yt I was so free from any great concern about these worldly or temporal affairs, yt I could & did often say yt it did not concern me no more than if one copper lay at stake. O blessed be God for any assistance from him, blessed be Jesus Christ for any good[?] thing, if there is any in me. I hope & think I have endeavored to keep a right & just con--[?] on all ye accounts of settling or doing or any way contriving in any thing concerning this affair. O may God order all things for ye best & do as he sees best & yt my soul may obtain rest. O for an

inheritance in Heaven, &c. I watched with Sarah Nutting, who was sick, on Sat. night. [Sarah Nutting is not listed in the Pepperell deaths for 1757.]

[page 26] Journal from ye 18 to ye 29 Sept.

From Lord’s Day Sept. 18th to Thursday Sept. 29^th. --- Was in a usual state of health or something better. I think I was mending some tho [?]ly had some more strength & a better appetite. The running in my reins seemed to be something abated & I was something abated from inward heat or inflammations --- so yt I had some thoughts yt God was a going to recover me to more health which hath been my daily request, if it were God’s will. O God is my only physician & to him be all ye glory if he should heal me. Oh I have promised to spend my life in his service by his help. O yt he would help me to live to him & serve him always & in all things. Oh how often have I gave myself to ye Lord & all yt he hath blessed me with. Oh yt I could do it aright & yt he would take me into his covenant & be my Father & Master & yt I might be his servant. Was in a considerable calm frame of mind & spirit chief of this time. Spent considerable time in secret devotion every day & especially at night after family duties were performed when I used[? looks like yousd] to go into my chamber to [? – word above the line] I often used to read & then kneel down on my knees & pray, which I never missed except hinder by some other person or except I had been alone before in ye evening as I [? – words added above line] I lay in a chamber alone which I chose for yt reason yt I might be alone evening & morning for secret devotion, &c. --- Was considerable free from melancholy & dejections. --- Was not so afraid of death or in such a slavish fear as at sometimes past. – Often seemed to be

[page 27] Journal from ye 18 to the 29 Sept.

be [sic] submissive & I thought willing to submit to God’s will either to be sick or weak or not & I thought willing even to die if it were God’s will to to [sic] call for me. But yet I were not assured of Jesus being found in my soul but was often afraid yt I had ye great work to do, but yet I had an inward hope which I would not take a world for. Oh blessed be God for Jesus Christ & ye way to Heaven. Oh if there be any good thing in my heart, ye praise & ye glory all be to ye Lord God forever more. --- I had some conversation with a Christian woman concerning my soul, who advised me to press forward toward ye mark[?] of ye high calling, yt God would enable me to run ye race set before me. Oh yt he would help me, yea yt he would draw me by his own ways thro Jesus Christ. ---

Was still using medicines of Dr. Prentice’s ordering, &c. --- Had still a great mind to learn ye art of physic & go into ye business of a physician, if God should by his good providence be pleased to give me health for yt employment. I thought I could be more serviceable to my generation yt way than any other. Resolved to wait on God’s providence & look to him to order & bring about yt which he should see best by [? - words above line]. Oh yt I had a heart to do it aright. --- Was still living at home tho my father, mother, sisters, & friend were dead & gone we hired a young woman to keep our house so my brother Asa & I both kept at home, &c. --- I spent a considerable time at my Br. Wetherill’s, where there was a young person sick & very ill. Spent

[page 28] Sept. 29, 1757, AEt 22

sometime in all prayers for ye sick & in a particular manner for this young person, & God was pleased to hear, & soon released her & spared her life from death. Oh [spelled Ho] God is a present help in ye times of trouble, O yt & all yt have partaken of such peculiar[?] mercies from God may never forget ye goodness of ye Lord. O yt we may sin no more least [sic, i.e. lest] a worse evil come on us.

[blank space on page]

Thursday. Sept. 29. At home in usual state of health. Was visited by ye Rev. Mr. Emerson & Dr. Hay. Ye doct. brought me some medicines, also some salve for a plaster for [my is crossed out] ye small of my back. In ye afternoon visited by some young folks, also my kind friend, ye woman before mentioned, with whom I had some discourse of a spiritual nature. She brought me a book of Mr. Mather’s work on Luke XIV.18. ------

All excuses for not believing in Christ are unreasonable. -----

Friday, Oct. [sic, Sept. was meant] 30. After secret & family duties, walked to Mr. Emerson’s & back. --- Then was invited to my Br. Wetherill’s to dine with ‘em. O blessed be God for all these favors & mercies. Oh he is ye fountain of ‘em all, & O I pray God to bless all my friends for all their respect & kindness to me, a hundred fold in this life, & hereafter with eternal life. O what an underserving creature am I to receive & enjoy such comforts & mercies. O it is from my heavenly father, & to him be all ye glory.

[page 29] Oct. 2, 1757

Saturday, Octr. 1. In ye morning, rode to Mr. Simon Gilson’s to attend their owning ye covenant so yt their infant child might be baptized, who was just a going out of the world by sickness. [Jonas Gilson, son of Sarah Fisk and Simon Gilson, was born in Dec. 1756, and died on Oct. 1, 1757, of a canker.] ---

Returned & spent ye remainder of ye day at home in secret duties & writing in my journal, &c.

Lord’s Day, Oct. 2. In ye forepart of ye day, stayed at home by reason of ye rain, &c, & I not being well, but poor & weak. Spent ye forenoon chiefly in reading; in ye afternoon walked to church. Felt very poorly & weak. Attended on ye sermon but with coldness & too much indifference. Oh how apt is ye world & these trifling vanities lead me away & to steal my heart. O may God give me grace to overcome all these things & follow him only. After meeting, meet with society, tho so weak yt I had like to have gone home but I thought it might be yt God would do something for me or yt I might get some good to my soul. Attended on ye duties; heared [sic] part of a discourse read, which was call to delaying sinners. Tried to take it to myself. Tried also to join join [sic] with ye covenant which was laid down by ye author. Had (I hope) some spiritual warmth & desire after grace & purity[?] of heart. After I got home, felt extremely weary & tired. Felt a considerable pain & great weakness in ye & across ye small of my

[page 30]

my [sic] back & kidneys. Drank some milk porridge. After yt, took a tea made of willow bark. Took also a conserve which Dr. Hay gave me. After mamily [sic, means family?] duties, as I went to bed, spent a considerable time on my knees in my bed chamber in secret duties in asking mercy for myself & sick friends, especially for a near friend newly taken. But oh with what dulness & coldness of heart. Oh yt ye Lord would look upon me through ye mercies of his son Jesus Christ, only not for anything in me or in anything yt I can or[?] have merit[?] of myself, for all yt I can do of myself is but filthy rags[?] & nothing only Christ merit would I plead for mercy & help. --- Was exercised with my former disorder in my sleep. I awaked in ye night in pain & tried to look to God for healing mercy for my body & yt he would heal & rebuke my disorders, if it was his will; also yt he would heal my soul of ye great melody [perhaps melancholy was meant?] sin. But oh how insufficient, cold & dull am I. ---

Monday, Oct. 3. Went to ye funeral of Simon Gilson’s child who died Saturday, Oct. 1. Was ye bearer yt carried ye corpse to ye grave. Also looked of a young woman yt laid sick in ye house. Walked from ye grave home. Felt extremely weak & worried in ye small of my back & a great heat at my kidneys or in ye small of my back. Had but little appetite for any food. Called & took a fue [few] mouthfuls with Mr. Hall. Spent ye afternoon at home; had some

[page 31]

discourse with Sarah Nutting concerning her soul & God’s great goodness to her in raising her so soon from sickness, &c. In ye evening, felt extremely poor, had such a weakness in ye small of my back yt could hardly set [i.e. sit] up. Used some medicines for help, &c. Spent a considerable time on my knees in my chamber, tho I was so weak & poor yt I could hardly set up. Oh, may God help me to praise him as long as I live in ys [this] world, & when I have done here yt I may go to praise him eternally hereafter, which God grant of his infinite mercy thro Jesus Christ, Amen.

Tuesday, Oct. 4. Spent ye day at home (it being a day yt ye prizers [i.e. appraisers] met to prize ye estate yt my father left). Assisted some about things but found myself soon tired, was exceeding weak in ye small of my back & reins & had but little appetite for any food. *Meet [sic] with some difficulties about ye things, we not all agreeing about ye things which should be prized & what belonged to each one. But I desire to give thanks to God, yt as far as I know myself, I did not want to take anything unjustly or in an underhanded way. Yea, I had rather loose [sic] 2 pence or pounds than take ½ a[?] one or anything roungfully [wrongfully]. I felt pretty sedate & calm chief of ye day or all of it, tho there was some provocations & some differences betwixt my Br. Oliver & Wetherill. In ye evening rode to see a young woman yt was sick yt I had some acquaintance with & a respect for. In ye evening felt very weak, spent, & wearied. Used some medicines, &c.

[page 32] Oct. 5, AD 1757, AEt 22

Wednesday, Oct. 5. Spent the day at home with ye prizers, who were still at our house. Was in a considerable calm frame all ye day, &c. Providence seemed to help me on some accts as to ye disposal of some things. Oh, they yt wait on God shall never want for their Heavenly Father will take care of ‘em. Oh, yt I had a heart & frame of spirit to wait on ye Lord aright. --- At noontime, catched a few minutes & read a chapter or 2 in Proverbs. Oh, yt I could get wisdom out of yt Holy Book. --- Then retired to ye barn for [?]ut a few minutes in secret prayer but was much interrupted by the business before me of ye settlement. Oh, these worldly clogs, oh how apt are they to dehide[?] & lead us from our duties & God. Oh, may God give me grace to keep ‘em all under my feet & to keep a conscious void of offense both towards God & men. --- Was very weak & feeble with my former difficulties & disorders all ye day & evening. Had yt apprehension of death & my not getting well again, tho death did not seem so terrible or fritful [frightful] to me, but what I thought I was willing to submit to ye will of ye Lord. Blessed be God yt I was not much concerned about this earthly inheritance here below (I hope). Oh for an inheritance in Heaven. --- Yt will afford solid comfort. Oh it is better than 10 thousand worlds[?]. Spent some time as I went to bed in my chamber on my knees, but with great bodily weakness & indisposition so yt I was obliged to be very short. ---

Thursday, Oct. 6. Spent ye forepart of ye day at home in a very weak state of health so yt I thought myself scarce

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scarcely able to keep about, ye forme [sic, i.e. former] weaknesses seemed to return and running in my reins as bad or worse than ever (which I believe was occasioned by worrying & walking afoot some days past). Had a great weakness in ye small of my back & something of a pain across my kidneys, had often leaking or running from me, but yet my spirits kept up considerably, & I was something free from melancholy & discouragements. In ye afternoon, rode out a little ways on some business.

Friday, Oct. 7. In ye forepart of ye day, did some writing, &c. In ye after part, settled some business with Col. Lovewell wherein I was concerned, concerning Mr. Isaac Colburn’s estate. [Zacchaeus, or Zackeus, Lovewell was administrator of Colburn’s estate.] Was extremely weak with my former disorders, but had a considerable appetite for food. In ye evening, made & used a tea of comphery [comfrey] & Solomon’s seal root, with a conserve of Dr. Hay’s preparing. Spent some part of ye night in company of a young person [line crossed out], but was very weak & in some pain & exercise with my old disorder.

Saturday, Oct. 8. In y morning, rode to Mr. Emerson’s (& saw him who was very ill of a fever) on some business. Returned & then retired to my chamber. Spent some time in reading & prayer, but was obliged to omit family prayers by reason of people coming in before I was up but it seemed to lie on my mind so yt I could not be so easy[?] as if it had been performed. Oh, may nothing separate me from God. I think I was scarce ever so weak & poor

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when I kept about, as I was this day. Was weaker than ever in ye small of my back, & ye disorder in my reins seemed to increase & grow upon me. I could hardly sit up by reason of yt weakness, which seemed to be my chief ill. I almost despaired of ever getting well again, & I was apprehensive of my great change being at hand. Yet blessed be God, I was not much affrighted, but had a desire to get well, if it were God’s will. But yet (I hope) I was submissive, &c, to ye holy will of ye Lord, & felt considerable calm in my mind. Oh, if I can obtain Heaven thro Christ, I think I am willing to leave ye world. Spent some part of ye evening in secret prayer, but with extraordinary weakness of body & attended with pain. Was still[?] using medicines for relief, but human means are of no value without God’s blessing. Oh yt God would be my physician, both for soul & body.

Lord’s Day, Oct. 9. Stayed at home by reason of there being no preaching in our town by reason of our minister being sick. Spent ye day in reading & prayer but with great coldness & dullness. I thought in ye morning yt I would try to get very near to ye Lord and serve him wholly this day. Likewise, I asked help from ye Lord so to do, but oh, how dull & cold am I in all my duties. I saw in some measure yt I was able of myself to do nothing. Seemed to be a little better as to my health than I was yesterday, blessed be God for it, but was very poor & low, weak, &c. Spent ye evening in my chamber in reading a little book by John Marthew[?], entitled All Excuses

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Excuses [sic] for Not Believing on Christ Are Unreasonable, & in secret prayer& in prayer, O but with dullness of heart. Oh, reading, praying & preaching will not do without help from Christ. All won’t do without God’s almighty power. O may God help send & help me thro this great work yt I may come off more than a conqueror after I have done here.

Monday, Oct. 10. Walked to Mr. Emerson’s & from thence rode to Groton on his business, &c. Was very weak & poor. Riding seemed to worry me much in ye small of my back, more than ever it did, I think. But God carry [sic] me through ye day alive, & blessed be his name forever.

Tuesday, Oct. 11. In ye forenoon was in a perpetual hurry by reason of some business & company, & the business falling on me more than ever, I being obliged to take[?] some care of ye affairs & we being about settling affairs, which kept me in a sort of a tremor or disorder much. Was something interrupted in my secret duties in ye morning. In ye afternoon, set apart a considerable time for reading & secret prayer in my chamber, I felt very much tired in ye evening, had something of a hard pain in ye small of my back &c, & other disorders as before mentioned. ---

Wednesday, Oct. 12. Spent ye day at home; did some business in ye house, &c. Felt comparable free from melancholy & discouragements, tho I was still weak & poor & disordered. Was still using medicines, &c. Spread a plaster for my back & applied it. Took some rossam [i.e. rosin?] & loaf sugar & some other medicines in ye evening.

[page 36] Oct. 12, AD 1757, AEt 22

Spent considerable time in ye evening in my chamber on my knees in prayer & had some spiritual warmth or fervor in my duties, O blessed be God for it & for any good thing, if there be any in me. Oh, all, all is from Christ.

Thursday, Oct. 13. Spent ye day at home, did some writing, &c, & was pretty much interrupted by ye people yt came in, &c. Oh, I plainly see yt this world is full of trouble, care & disappointments & as ye troubled Sea[?] ---

In ye evening, was exceedingly disordered with my former disorder in my reins felt some hard & unusual pains. I think I never felt so before. Was so poor & full of pain yt I almost despaired of ever getting cured, except ye Lord out of his infinite mercy should should [sic] help me, for all human means seemed to be of no value. Oh, ye Lord is ye only physician yt can help me. Oh yt he would heal my soul & fit me for his Holy Will.

Friday, Oct. 14. Had but little time for secret duties, it being ye day yt ye prizers meet here to prize & settle business. Was all ye day in a disordered hurry, had but little ease or comfort. In ye evening, felt pretty much perplexed in mind & very weak & disordered in body & something discouraged & melancholy & seemed almost

[page 37] AEt 22, Oct. 14, AD 1757

to be a stranger at ye throne [of – omitted] grace. Had not yt serenity & calmness of mind, submissiveness & patience as I have usually when I spend more of ye day in my chamber in reading & prayer. --- Oh I find yt ye worldly cares & business which is brought upon me by ye removal of my dear friends are great interruptions to my spiritual welfare. Oh, how doth ye world war against ye spirit. Oh, may God out of his infinite freeness thro Jesus Christ give me grace & strength to overcome ye world & ye wicked one, so yt I might arrive at length, after I have finished my course & done my work here, at his Heavenly Zion. Oh, I have a great many things to grapple with; worldly business which I can’t avoid rolls [spelled rools] upon me daily more & more, which I must take care of for my own maintenance, for Father & Mother who used to take care of these have both forsaken me. Oh my Lord, take me up now and be ye guide of my youth. ---

The indisposition of my weak & frail body is distressing & worrisome to me & keeps me so low yt I ain’t able to pursue my learning at present & such like difficulties, but what shall I do but to rely & wait on God’s good providence for all things. Oh, may God give me grace & strength to do it aright.

Saturday, Oct. 15. Assisted in looking over & examining ye writings in ye house. Was very weak & poor & at times felt sick at my stomach. Had but a poor appetite. In ye evening, vomited a little, raised much flegm [phlegm] & spit a great deal, but late in ye evening, felt some better, blessed be God. Spent chief of ye evening in my chamber in reading & meditation.

[page 38] Oct. 16, 1757, AEt 22 ---

Lord’s Day, Oct. 16. Went to church. Heard Mr. Woster preach from 1 of Peter 2 & 7 verse, wherein he laid down ye something of ye description of a converted person & their joys & happiness & ye loveliness of Christ. But I was afraid I had not embraced him & yt all my joys were false, when he spoke of those joys & comforts which true believers had & ye love & delight they took in communing with & serving him. I seemed to be something drawn out in love when he spoke of ye glorious joys of heaven & happiness hereafter to ye children of God. Had some longing after communing with Christ (I hope) & purity of heart & to know & serve ye Lord more & to live to him. Oh, yt God would take away my unbelief, hardness of heart, & all my vileness, & enable me to embrace Jesus Christ & to serve & love him above all things. In ye evening, went to hear Mr. Woster read something which he composed[?] ye last year when he lay sick at ye point of death. Was something enlivened or drawn after Christ (I hope), felt something of a spiritual warmth or affectedness of heart chief of ye time. Tried to join in prayer, &c. ---

Oh, but I must still complain of coldness, dullness, unconfessedness[?], & self security, wanderings of heart, & such like. Was seemingly some better & stronger as to my health & my disorder formerly soken [sic, i.e. spoken] of seemed some abated, blessed be God.

[page 39] Oct. 17, AD 1757, AEt 22

Monday, Oct. 17. Spent ye day at home, chiefly in my chamber, tho I was invited to go to a house where there was to be a husking frolic. Yet I thought it best not to go because I should expose my soul to sin & evil or been in danger [of – omitted] being led away & yt it would be in ye way of my duties to God. Also, I should expose my body & health by reason of my indisposition & weakness, & I thought I had no call thereto. I rather chose to spend ye afternoon alone in my chamber, but if God should afford me ye least glimpse of his countenance, it would be ten thousand times better than all earthly pleasures in ye world. Oh, I’m afraid to go into company because I hardly ever come back so easy as I go or so contented in my mind. Oh my [sic, may was meant] I never go anywhere yt may displease ye Lord. Oh yt I may have his blessing everywhere.

Tuesday, Oct. 18. Spent ye day at home; did some writing, &c. Was as usual of health, or a little better. My disorder seemed to be some[?] abated. Blessed be God for all mercies both for body & soul. Spent considerable time in secret duties, &c. ---

Wednesday, Oct. 19. Assisted my Bro. Oliver in drawing of accounts belonging to ye estate. Felt pretty much tired in ye evening & poorly.

Thursday, Oct. 20. Did some writing & kept about house, but brought but little to pass. Was much hindered by ye folks at ye house ye conmersinard[?]

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quers[?] out & vanities & worldly vexation which attend ye sation [station probably meant] of ye life. Seemed to be much attracted[?] after ye lower things or things of this world. I living at home where there is no sober stidy [i.e. steady] person, but only my brother [Asa] who is something rude, & a young woman & a lad, ye former of these two being pretty rude & antick. I often thought yt it would be much better for me to live amongst old sober folks, & I wished for ye time to come. I did not feel so easy in my spirit as I did last winter when I lived at Mr. Emerson’s, where there was no young folks, but I here found myself interrupted in my secret duties, my mind drawn of after vanities, & I often unprofitable unstable & youth things &c, things neglect in my secret devotion. I acknowledged to God my sin in some rude actions & unbecoming behavior in ye evening past, which I fell into without due consideration or watchfulness. (I hope) I tried to be very humble for it & promised amendment & more watchfulness for ye future & begged pardon. Oh, yt God for Christ’s sake would forgive & pardon this & all my sins & follies. Oh, I see yt I can’t keep myself one minute. Oh, if I am left to myself, how shall I stray from God. Oh, I shall fall & make myself ye vilest of creatures, &c. I was afraid yt I should grieve God’s holy spirit & provoke him to leave me or to withdraw his holy spirit from me & never let his spirit strive with me anymore. I felt myself very vile & was afraid yt God God [sic] would not hear my prayers. I thought of yt place of scripture – where it is said if we regard iniquity in our hearts, God will not hear our prayers, &c.

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I felt pretty much disquieted in my spirit & uneasy yt I should thus affront ye Lord of Glory, & I especially yt have been under convictions & as (I hope) under ye influence of God’s holy spirit & ye chastisements of ye Lord of late by deaths in ye family & very long bodily weakness, &c. ---

Oh yt I should sin against God. – I made resolutions, bg [sic, i.e. beg] God help to be always be on ye watch & guard. Oh, yt I might always watch & pray. I begged God help to resist all temptations, lusts, & all evils. Oh, I pray yt I may be enabled to resist all sin & keep close to God all ye days of this life, & thereafter go to be with him. ---

But oh, how difficult & hard is it to live in this world a Godly life & to deny every sin, temptation, lust & delusion. Oh, it is not in me to do anything of myself, but it is all ye gift of God. Oh, yt I may receive assistance through Jesus Christ to serve & love even to ye death.

Friday, Oct. 21. Did some writing, &c. Felt something melancholy & disconsolate chief of ye day. Spent some time in secret duties but was some interrupted by some of ye folks & ye worldly shadows yt I live[?] in. In ye evening, I rode to Holles [Hollis, New Hampshire, which was originally spelled Holles] with a young man, had some discourse about some former rudeness which I told him did not appear as then to me & yt they would not do to die with, &c. I advised him to seek for an interest in Heaven or to prepare for death, or to yt purpose. Tarried at my uncle Comings [perhaps Samuel Cumings] yt night; began some writing for him, which I went to do, &c. Was something weak of body & felt a soreness at my stomach. Rested very poorly yt night. My weaknesses are many & of long continuance. Oh, yt they may be for ye good[?] of my soul & ye bringing of me to ye Lord, &c.

Saturday, Oct. 22. Spent ye day at my uncle’s in writing his requests to several ministers to serve as a counsel between him[?] & Holles Church

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in order to settle some old differences, &c. ---

Kept very close at my writing. Felt pretty much indisposed, weak, & feeble. Had a weakness & soreness at ye pit of my stomach & had but little appetite for any food. I sat in my chair till my blood seemed almost to be stopped & my limbs numb. But after riding home, I seemed to feel a little better. (O, blessed be ye God who keeps me alive.) ---

Took some oysters & drank a little claret wine & some bitters, which seemed to revive & nourish me. Oh blessed be God who may[?] provide for me yt am unworthy of any favor.

Lord’s Day, Oct. 23. Went to church; heard Mr. D. Emerson preach. --- Stayed at ye administration of ye sacrament (it being Sacrament Day). Had some spiritual warmth or good desires (I hope) but was much crowded or interrupted by worldly things, &c, & with coldness & dullness of affection very often hardness of heart, &c, Spent ye evening chiefly in prayer in secret in my chamber. Oh yt I had a heart to pray to God more earnestly, & with true faith, &c.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday, Oct. 24, 25 & 26. Kept pretty close at home. Did something at settling ye business of ye estate, but brought very little to pass by reason of my brother Wetherill [?] off & not coming in with ye will, &c, which created a great deal of difficulty & is like so to do what any thing I can see[?] God by his good providence would order & bring about all things aright. Was in one perpetual

[page 43]

hurry & disorder by reason of ye great business yt was to go thro & a considerable deal lying on me of ye care of keeping of accounts & writing & such like business which I had ye care of. – But I find these things much interfere, hinder & interrupt in spiritual business or labors & progress seemed to be a little better as to my health, but was still very poor & weak with my old ails & disorders, but was yet using means (viz.) taking of oysters, also claret wine & loaf sugar & rosam mixt [mixed] together & a plaster on ye small of my back, &c. Was still as I thought not able to go to studying, nor perform any great business, or anything of wait [sic, i.e. weight]. Oh yt I may have patience, grace & wisdom from God to behave as shall be well-pleasing to him in all circumstances & conditions of life, yt he shall place me in either prosperity or adversity, sickness or health, yt I may bring glory to God, & at length be received by him into heaven, to be forever with ye Lord of Light & Glory.

Thursday, Oct. 27. Was pretty much usual of health all day. Did something at dividing of some of ye movables with my 2 brothers O. & A. [Oliver and Asa]. In ye evening fell into some misbehavior or unbecoming actions which I had but yt day week been guilty of & promised amendment of life or more watchfulness & abhorrence against, but I find cannot keep myself. Oh if God should leave[?] me to myself, I should soon destroy both soul & body. Oh yt I could thank ye Lord for all his love & favor & yt he hath not wholly left me before this time. Oh God is unspeakably kind & full of love, mercy & patience or I should have provoked & grieved his blessed & holy spirit to give me over & wholly to leave me.

[Page 44]

Friday, Oct, 28. Felt very much dejected & almost ashamed to be seen. --- Thought of my wickedness & follies ye night past, was afraid yt I should provoke ye Lord to leave me. Of I said yt I had done enough to provoke the Lord to leave me forever. --- Got alone on my knees & spent some time in prayer, begging pardon, &c. Oh, I have sinned at such a rate, yt I desare [deserve meant?] no pardon nor forgiveness. Oh, but I beg yt I may find pardon thro merit of my Lord Jesus Christ. In ye afternoon rode to Mr. Emerson’s, to see him who had sent for me, he being confined at home by sickness. Was treated very kindly there. Oh how unworthy a creature am I, & yet I have so much favor showed me. Oh, I deserve no favor nor respect because of my unworthiness. Oh may God give me grace thankfully to use & improve all his mercies, for all is from him & to him be all ye glory.

Saturday, Oct. 29. Spent ye day at home under some degree of melancholy & disconsolations & dejecting thoughts. --- & was very weak of body, exercised with my former disorders & something of an [sic] headache & disorder in my head. Felt in a melancholy & lonesome poster[? perhaps posture was meant] all ye evening & spiritually dull & cold.

Lord’s Day, Oct. 30. Was extremely poor; was taken in ye night with a considerable strong headache & great weakness, with a complication of diseases & weaknesses with my former disorder in my reins.

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Was hardly able to leave my bed or to get up in ye morning. Got up but was not able to sit up but a little while. Kept my bed chief of ye day. Was much disordered in my head & something feverish & very weak, had but little appetite, &c. --- Felt in a dark, gloomy & something of a melancholy frame all ye day. Was very sleepy & dull both to spiritual & temporal things, but was in some concern or fear of ye approach of death; had some apprehensions of death or a seated illness & yt I should never be recovered to health or yt I had not long to live (which I have had at times ever since ye first ye winter before last, when I was brought so weak & low, but blessed be God I yet live). In ye evening, got alone into my chamber, put on some clothes & spent some time in secret prayer, &c. --- Then went to bed, took some medicines, & was preserved ye night thro, but had something of an uneasy night. But oh, what cause have I to bless God yt I am out of Hell; oh, what a good night have I had to what some have had. Oh, some are gone to eternal misery, never to have ease, & I am yet alive & thus side ye Gates of Hell & ye grave. O, bless ye Lord, oh my soul, & all within me.

Monday, Oct. 31. Kept my chamber most of ye day; was very weak & hardly able to sit up, & pretty much disordered in my head. My purging still continued. But by ye goodness of God, I was a little better on some accounts. --- Spent considerable part of ye day in prayer. --- Was under some spiritual desartion & dejections, but felt some spiritual warmth at some times (I hope). ---

Tuesday, Novr. 1. Did something at dividing ye movables with my brothers & helped settle some old reckonings with some people. But

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I found myself almost uncapable [sic, i.e. incapable] of sitting up all day. Felt very weak in ye small of my back & in a feeble state, but thro ye goodness of God, my only physician, I was a little better than I was yesterday. Was something hindered in my secret duties by reason of this worldly business & cares. Oh, this is a world of trouble & cares. ---

Wednesday, Nov. 2. Spent ye day chiefly in my chamber in secret duties. Seemed to find some comfort in secret prayer, & spiritual warmth (if I am not deserved[?], oh I hope yt I don’t build on a false foundation, oh yt I may not deceive my own soul). Was visited by Miss Emerson. Oh, I desire to bless God yt I have any friends &yt there is any yt show my [sic, probably me was meant] kindness. Seemed to be still a little better or mending. Towards night, walked to a neighbor’s house, &c. ----

Thursday, Novr. 3. Spent ye day in dividing ye movables with my brothers. In ye evening, felt extremely worried & almost give[?] out. Was still using medicines for ye restoration of health. Was something perplexed or disquieted[?] in my mind about things & did not know what course to take, nor how to order my ways, being left in such a lonely condition & in so weak a state of health. But still I did not feel discouraged because God, I knew, lived, & I hoped he would take care of me & order my health & all my ways for me. Tried to look to him for direction in my prayers, &c, Oh, yt he would be ye guide of my youth & of my whole life, yt I may be hereafter with Him.

Friday, Nov. 4. Spent ye day at home, as usual, &c. Received some medicines from Dr. Hay & others. Seemed to be a little better

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as to ye disorder in my reins. Oh, blessed be God for ye symptoms of his love to me, an unworthy creature.

Saturday, Novr. 5. Wrote in my journal some part of ye day, and in ye after part of ye day, rode to Mr. Emerson’s to see him. Received kindness there & was used kindly. ---- Felt very weak & indisposed in ye evening, & very dull & cold in holy duties. Oh, how heavily did I drive on in duty, like as pharaoh’s chariots with wheels broken off, &c. ---- And ye night was exercised very much by my old difficulties or disorders, &c.

Lord’s Day, Novr. 6. Rode [to – omitted] church forenoon & afternoon. Was in a very weak state of health, &c. Seemed as weak in ye faith. Was under spiritual disartion [sic] or melancholy clouds. --- In ye evening, got alone into my chamber; spent it in reading & prayer, tho with little spiritual light & joy. ---

Monday, Novr. 7. Was pretty much as usual as to my health. --- Spent ye day at home. Did some writing, &c. In ye evening, walked out to a neighbor’s house.

Tuesday, Nov. 8. Assisted in settling some business with Col. Lovewell concerning the estate of my near[?] friend Isaac Colburn, deceased, &c. Was in very weak, feeble, & low state of health, tho I was able to keep about & do a considerable business & writing for him & my brother Oliver. --- But a little more would overdo

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& tire me greatly. Was very weak in ye small of my back & the disorder or running in my reins seemed to be worse, I thought, than at almost any time had been before. I thought my disorder seemed to be worse a Saturday night & Sabbath-Day nights than at other times & seemed to return about once a fortnight, but there is none yt knows ye difficulties yt I undergo, only ye great God, for they are such yt I don’t love to make known to anybody except to ye physicians & some particular friends. Sometimes I almost despair of ever getting well again, for all human means seem to be of no value, But still I have a a [sic] hope if it be God’s will, yt he will find out some way for my help, for he is ye only physician. Oh, yt he would give me grace & patience to wait & rely wholly on him for mercy, thro his dear son Jesus. --- Oh, yt I may be prepared for his holy will & pleasure. Oh yt I may be fitted for life or death, yt I may be ye Lord’s here & hereafter,

Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday, Nov. ye 9, 10 & 11th. Spent with a poster[?] man these three days at home in writing & posting off my dear father’s account books, for my brother Oliver kept very close each day & till 9, 10, or 11 o’clock at night. ---- But felt almost tired & worried out each night had a great weakness & some pain in ye small of my back & at times felt a burning heat or warmness at ye small of my back & at my secrets, &c, & ye running in my reins continued, & often leaking or running from me, & a little heat or strain would increase ye disorder, &c. I was still using medicines (viz) ---

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rossam & loaf sugar grated together, Stoughton’s Elixir, bitters, & some drops which Dr. Hay sent me, & such like, but all seemed to be of no value. I often felt pretty much discouraged & dejected & sometimes almost despaired of getting help except ye Lord of his infinite mercy should heal & help me. I often begged of God to heal me, if it was his will, & yt he would find out some way in his good providence for my relief yt I might live to do something for him in ye world. But (I hope) I could say to God, Thy will be done. O yt I may find healing for my soul thro ye merit of Jesus Christ. ---

In this time was hindered much in my secret duties by reason of my close application to my writing, & my bodily [blot] indispositions. But I essayed[?] to spend some time in ye morning in secret prayer & sometimes catch [sic] a few minutes at noon & get alone on my knees, & in ye night as I went to bed in my chamber by my bedside, I essayed[?] to spend a considerable time in prayer, except I had been alone in ye evening before, tho I often felt so weak & indisposed yt I could hardly walk or sit up, & sometimes I have seemed to be refreshed & strengthened beyond my expectation. Oh blessed be ye God of my life for all his mercies. ---

Saturday, Novr. 12. Spent ye day at home. Did some work or notions in ye house in forenoon. Spent ye afternoon in writing &c in my chamber.

Lord’s Day, Nov. 13. Went to church. Felt something disordered in mind by reason of some unbecoming behavior in one of ye family (as I thought). Attended on ye sermon but with great wandering & coldness

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& worldly interruptions, but I would hope I had some breathing after ye lord & spiritual warmth at some times. (In ye evening, Mr. Worster came to our house & had an evening meeting & a great many person [sic] assembled to hear him read some of his work which he composed in verse when he lay sick & was thought to be just going out of ye world). Attended on ye exercise with some spiritual warmth & was pretty much effected [sic] in prayer. Oh, it is good morn before ye Lord & cry after him. Oh, how sweet it is to commune with him in prayer.

Monday & Tuesday, Novr. 14 & 15th. Was pretty much as usual of health. Was still posting off ye book with Mr. Hobart. Spent some time in secret but had not ye time for secret devotion & reading as usual because of my work. Oh, ye Lord knows what things I have need of before I ask him.

Wednesday, Novr. 16. Spent ye day in writing & in preparing for ye Thanksgiving. In ye evening, felt pretty much indisposed & weak & full of my old infirmities.

Thursday, Nov. 17th. This is a public Thanksgiving throughout ye province. Went to meeting; heard Mr. Woster preach from Psalm 126, 3. verse (The Lord hath done great things for us, whereof we are glad), wherein he explained what great cause we had to be thankful (I hope). I felt something of a thankful heart, tho I am almost apt at sometimes to sink under my difficulties, troubles, & weaknesses & to think yt there is no trouble like mine & no affliction like to mine, but oh, I have

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great cause to thank God & to be thankful, even in ye greatest of my afflictions. Oh, I hope & think yt it hath been good yt I have been afflicted. Oh, may God keep me from unthankfulness & impatience, & oh, may I profit by all these afflictions. Oh, may they purify my soul & fit it for Heaven, which I pray God grant. ---

I was invited to supper at ye Revd, Mr. Emerson[?]; was kindly & bountifully entertained & after supper was exhorted to thankfulness, to be thankful yt I was alive & to put ye [?]side outwards & to prize ye favors yt I enjoyed & comforts yt I did enjoy, notwithstanding all my adversities, &c. (by ye Rev. Mr. Emerson). Oh, yt may do it aright.

Friday, Nov. 18. Spent ye day at home; was hindered[?] & cluttered[?] in ye house chief of ye day. Was much led[?] off my secret duties & hindered by some merry & cheerful folk[?] & behavior; in ye evening was in company with several young folks yt came from Littleton [a village in Massachusetts]. With my brother Asa & a young woman yt he brought spent ye evening after supper in some merry recreations or exercise (tho not in dancing nor singing). tho I was weak & feeble & exercised by my disorder, yet I felt something cheerful & merry with, I hope, [?] noise[?], tho I enjoyed but little satisfaction in ye diversions. Was up till after 12 at night & after prayer in ye family, I went into my bed chamber & spent some

[page 52]

some [sic] time on my knees in secret prayer. I seemed to be afraid yt I had offended in my merriment or omission of my duties & I could not go to God with such a boldness or freedom as I could in times past when I kept closer to my duties. Was sorry for some words yt I had spoken. In ye evening past. Tried to ask God forgiveness, yt he would not cast me off forever. It seemed to me yt I felt more of a stranger to God in prayer than at some other times. Oh, how dull I feel (cold & lifeless in prayer, when I han’t [sic, i.e. hadn’t] no spiritual warmth or consolations from ye Lord Christ. --- Oh, I can do nothing without ye assistance of God. Oh (I hope I have felt something of ye power of God’s spirit at some times).

Saturday, Nov. 19. Spent ye greater part of ye day with my friends, &c., but was very poor & informed[?], &c. ---

Lord’s Day, Nov. 20. Went to church, heard Mr. Ran preach --- &c. --- but felt very dull as to spiritual things; all day my heart often wandering after worldly vanities & low things, but (I hope I had some[?] tho cold & dull desires after holiness). --- I was some better as to my health, & something stronger. Was enabled to walk to meeting & back afoot. Oh, blessed be ye Lord.

[page 53]

Monday & Tuesday, Nov. 21 & 22. Spent these days in posting of ye books in ye house (with Mr. Hobart). Kept very close to my writing; was enabled to perform ye labors with more ease than[?] ye last[?] weak. Felt much better as to my health, & ye disorder, which I have been troubled with, seemed to be some abated. Oh ye Lord is my helper & he only can heal me. Was something hindered in my secret duties but spent some time in ye morning & at noon in secret prayers. One [sic] evening, I catched a little time & got to ye barn & spent some time on my knees. Had something of God’s presence with me (I hope). I seemed to enjoy sweetness in trying to lift my spirit up to God & in making known my desires to my dear Lord Christ. Oh, how sweet it is to commune with Christ. Oh, I hope I have just[?] something of this sweetness (if han’t been deceived; oh, I’m afraid of paler[?] joys but I pray yt man’t [mayn’t] be deceived nor fall short of ye kingdom).

Oh, blessed ye Lord, oh my soul, & all yt is within me, Bless his holy Name.

Wednesday, Nov. 23. Felt very feeble & dull & worried by reason of being broke in my rest ye night before. Did some writing. In ye evening, went out with Mr. Hall to set him bills[?] in

[page 54]

ye ground where he suspected there was some money hid in for [?] times, but I went without expecting to find & returned as I expected, without any, &c. --- In ye evening, as I went to bed was extremely weak. Spent some time on my knees by my bedside, but was so weak & faint yt I could hardly speak or at least felt much spent.

Thursday, Nov. 24^th. Was about house chief or all day; did but little to any signification; wrote some in this book, &c.

Friday, Nov. 25. Assisted in posting off accounts ye greater part of ye day. --- Seemed to be a little better on ye account of my weaknesses. Oh, blessed be God for it, & for all mercies. --- In evening, took some comfrey root, loaf sugar & rossam mixed together, for to strengthen & help me, under my weaknesses & long disorder, but all human means are of no value except ye Lord’s blessing, they can do me no service. --- Oh, I would try to look beyond these things to God, yt he would heal me if it is most[?] for his glory.

Saturday, Nov. 26. In ye afternoon, undid something with my brother Oliver about dividing some of my mother’s things. Had some words with my brother Oliver [??] in ye evening I was sorrow some[?], for [?] I had offended ye great God [??? – this last line is written very small and is difficult to read]

[page 55]

Oh, how apt am I to do amiss before I’m aware of it, or speak something which I had better not, but I see I can’t do any thing of myself. Oh, how frail I am & how full of failure[?]. In ye evening spent some time in secret duties, but with much disorder & distraction.

Lord’s Day, Nov. 27. Walked to church; heard Mr. Smith preach, but oh, how full worldly vanities & wanderings was I, & how dull, cold, lifeless & full of distraction was I. Oh, yt pray yt ye Lord would forgive all my many sins & frailties. At noon, was invited to Mr. Emerson’s to dine. --- Felt much better & stronger as to my health, oh blessed be ye Lord for it forever & ever. --- Spent some time in ye evening in my chamber in secret prayer chief of ye evening.

Monday, Nov. 28. Assisted in making some further division of ye things of ye house, & Providence seemed to smile on me (as I thought) in ordering things & in keeping peace between us. Oh, blessed be God, it is he yt orders all things; it is he yt takes care of all those yt puts their trust in him. Oh, yt I had an heart to do it aright. In ye evening, was taken with an exceeding hard pain in my stomach or heart burn continued all ye evening & part of ye night – but God was pleased to remove[?] it in ye night. O bless ye Lord for all his benefits, Amen & Amen.

[page 56]

Tuesday, Nov. 29. In ye forenoon, was about house; took some care of things, & in ye afternoon helped my brother Oliver reckon with people & settle accounts. Was up almost all night trying to come to some settlement with my brothers & considering in what manner to proceed. Oh yt God would be my guide & councilor & direct all my ways with discretion. Felt something of ye disorder at my stomach & very weak & worried.

Wednesday, Nov. 30. Got ready, rode to Lancaster to see Dr. Prentice to get him to do something more for me to recover my health (by ye blessing of God). Also to see if he would take me to learn ye art of physick (if God should spare my life & give me health enough). Was enabled to perform ye journey with considerable ease, blessed be God. Tried, as I rode, to lift up my heart to God in prayer, tho with distraction of mind & much wandering. ---

Thursday, Decm. 1. Stayed at ye doctor’s (he not being at home till towards night). Was as usual, or some better, as to my health. Yea, I seemed much better than at many times before, tho I seemed to be under some degree of melancholy & felt lonesome. In ye evening was [?] some young company but took no satisfaction, tho I was s[?]d sevelly[?]. I felt no heart for merriment with ‘em. Oh, I did not seeme to have ye satisfaction yt I often have in my chamber when shut up alone. Had but little opportunity for secret devotion, but got alone & tried to give myself to God in prayer.

[page 57]

Friday, December ye 2. After some discourse with ye doctor concerning his taking of me as a student (wherein he told me he could not at present, till he has got more settled in his family) & receiving some medicines, I rode to Groton. Stayed there all night & chief of it in company with a young woman whom I had been with several times before, but now took my leave of her, never expecting to be in company with her in such manner again.

Saturday, Decm. 3. Rode to Dr. Ware’s, to see him; had some discourse with him concerning going to live with him a space of time to study physick. --- Felt very poorly & heavy & something faint & very weak & under considerable degree of melancholy, dejection & discouragement, & at a loss what way to proceed or what to do because of ye weak state of health which I am in, & ye lonesome situation which I now am in. But where shall I go for counsel nut to God. Oh yt he would direct me in all my ways & lead me into those ways yt shall be best.

Lord’s Day, Dec. 4. Walked to church (but we had no preaching, Mr. Emerson not being well & there being no other preacher provided) & heard ye deacon read & carry on ye worship both parts of ye day. --- In ye evening, ye society meet [sic] at our house, &c. I felt some fervor or liveliness in duties, especially in joining in prayer -- but full of distraction. Oh how poor are ye best of my performances. Oh, there is nothing in any of my duties yt deserve any hearing or are of any worth, but are as filthy rags.

Monday & Tuesday, Dec. 5 & 6. Spent ye time at home; did some considerable business in selling out things & trading with ye people, but was under some degree of melancholy & discouragement & bodily indisposition, as usual. Oh, my weaknesses are great.

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Was very much discouraged & almost despaired of ever getting help. Tried to look to God in prayer to heal me. Oh he is ye only physician. Oh, if he wilt, he can make me whole. Resolved to wait on ye Lord as he should enable me. Oh for a heart, and patience, to do it aright. Oh, may I receive help from ye Lord, & yt speedily, if it be his holy will.

Wednesday, Dec. 7. Was in a very poor, low, & disordered state all day, & was much disordered or troubled with ye running in my reins. Felt pretty much discouraged & dejected & melancholy, & had but little expectation of ever getting well, but had hope yt ye Lord would appear for me & give me relief, if it is fir ye best. Oh, Christ is able to healed [sic] all manner of diseases when he was on earth, & he is now able. Oh, yt I had a heart to go to him aright, &c. Towards night, rode out to get a medicine; felt something better after riding. --- In ye evening, took a powder of Dr. Prentice’s preparing, in some honey, &c. --- Spent considerable part of ye day in my chamber in reading & prayer. – Read ye 6 Psalm over & over & tried to pray it over to ye Lord, wherein I saw yt David, ye servant of ye Lord, sought Him in his sickness. Oh, yt I could go to God as he did, by faith & prayer. ---

Thursday, Dec. 8. Spent ye day chiefly in trying to come to an agreement with my Brother Wetherill, about settling our estate. Felt a little better as to my health than I did ye day before. O, blessed be God for it & all mercies.

Friday, Decm. 9. Rode to Groton with my brothers & made some writings & came

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to an agreement to settle ye estate & to & to [sic] approve of ye will of my father, deceased. (We 3 brothers giving my brother Wetherill a hundred pounds O.T. [old tenor]) which I hope will be a final end to all differences.) Was at Groton all day & till 9 or 10 o’clock at night, & then rode home in a storm of hail & rain. --- [On Dec. 9, the brothers signed a paper attesting that they agreed to their father’s will. Oliver and Ephraim signed for themselves. James Prescott signed as guardian for Asa, and Charles Wetherill, widower of Ruth Lawrence, signed as guardian of their children. Sister Mary Lakin is not mentioned in the will.]

Was carried through ye day & evening & all ye fatigues & riding in ye storm home with considerable ease & comfort, tho I was so weak & poor. Oh, blessed be ye Lord who is ye God of all my health, & my preserver, who carries forth & returns & from whom all my mercies come.

Saturday, Dec. 10. Was about home all of ye day; did some writing (tho but little). Was exercised with an unusual disorder (which I think is called ye [?]), which pained me considerably. But blessed be God yt ye other disorder seemed to be some abated.

Lord’s Day, Dec. 11. Stayed at home by reason this disorder & my bodily indisposition & a young woman being sick at home with ye canker, very ill. [This ill person is never identified.] Assisted some in taking care of her. --- In ye after part of ye day, kept chiefly alone in my chamber. Spent ye time in secret prayer & reading. In ye evening, meet with ye society; made ye first prayer & performed ye reading, & after ye exercise, had some conversation concerning conversion[?], what it means[?], &c. took prayer in that time. [The whole last sentence is written very small and is difficult to read.]

[page 60] Dem. 12th, 1757

Monday, Dec. 12. Kept about house all day; assisted in taking care of ye sick person. Was pretty much hindered or interrupted in my secret duties by those encumbrances which I could not well avoid. --- Oh, this world is a world of trouble, disappointment, & interruptions. Oh, there is no solid comfort to be had in any part of it or any station of life here. --- Only for those yt can commune with God & Christ, oh thrice[?] happy are ye souls yt have an interest in ye Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, happy, happy soul, happy here & forever, happy hereafter are all God’s children. Oh, yt my soul may be of yt happy & forever blessed number, by ye merit of Jesus Christ. Amen. ---

Tuesday, Dec. 13. Was pretty much as I have been for days past as to my health. In ye forepart of ye day, got alone to ye barn after family duties for secret duties (I being obliged to leave my chamber for ye sick person, it being warmer than ye other), but was soon called for away. Spent ye remainder of ye day in a tremor or hurry in dispatching some business & in taking care of ye sick young woman; also ye evening, till very late at night. Felt very tired & spent by reason of my tending on ye sick person, who seemed to be near unto death or dangerously ill, as I thought. --- Had some discourse with her concerning her dying & another world. I told her yt I feared she never would recover of her health[?]. She said she feared she should not. But

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she did not know, but if she did die, she told me to take her ring & wear it to remember her by, as a friend’s gift, &c. ---

After going to prayer with ye family with her, then I retired to my bed. Spent some time on my knees in praying to God for myself and others & ye sick young woman; then went to bed, & ye Lord preserved me in ye night & blessed be his holy name.

Wednesday, Dec. 14. Kept house very close all day, in taking [care – omitted] of ye sick person. Was very weak & poor & indifferent; my old disorder seemed to return by reason of my worrying day & night & being up late at night, which to be too much for my strength.

Thursday, Dec. 15. Spent ye day at home in ye same manner as yesterday. Was exercised in my sleep with ye disorder as usual. Was extremely weak in ye small of my back & reins. Took some medicine, &c. ---

In ye evening, felt almost spent, & had a continual leaking or running almost all day & evening. Oh, my difficulties are very great. Oh, yt ye Lord would appear for my help speedily, or give me patience to bear all those calamity & tribulations with patience, meekness & humility. Oh yt I may profit by all these things. Oh, yt they may be for ye good of my soul, yt I may find spiritual profit by all these weaknesses yt ye Lord hath brought on me.

[page 62] AEt 22. Decm. 16, AD 1757.

Friday, Dec. 16. Did some writing (for my brother Oliver). Was pretty much as usual, of late, as to my health, &c. Assisted some considerable in taking care of ye sick person (whom I had ye chief care of) & in going upstairs & down &c, which seemed to worry me greatly. Was much hindered in my secret devotions by reason of my other cares & incontinences[?], &c. Took some considerable cold this day (I believe).

Saturday, Dec. 17. Awoke this morning with a considerable headache & very much disordered in my head, which I thought was occasioned by a cold. Spent ye day in taking care of ye sick person, & did some writing, &c. --- Felt very much disordered in my head all ye day & stopt & had something of a weakness at my vitals or stomach, & my other disorder continued, so yt I was very much indisposed & weak all ye day & evening, &c. --- In ye evening, retired into ye chamber for secret devotion. Spent about two hours on my knees in prayer, had some spiritual warmth in my duties. Oh, blessed be God for any discoveries of his loveliness or any taste of his love.

Lord’s Day, Decm. 18. Stayed at home (we having no preaching). Was very weak & feeble & much indisposed. Spent ye day in reading, meditation, &c. Oh blessed be ye Lord for one more of his days. Oh yt I may be fitted to keep a Sabbath with ye Lord[?].

[page 63] Decm. 19^th, 1757, AEt 22

(On this Saturday night fell a great snow.)

Monday, Decr. 19th. Spent ye day at home as usual. In ye beginning of ye evening, I[?] rode to Mr. Varnum’s & back, &c. Was very weak & indisposed & disordered by a cold. Spent ye evening in taking [care – omitted] of ye sick person, which seemed to be worse, much out or delirious. All ye evening, felt much tired & worn out.

Tuesday, Dec. 20^th. Spent ye day at home. Did but little business of any kind, except taking some care of ye sick young woman. Was very much indisposed & weak all ye night. Was exercised with ye former disorder, & was much disordered with a cold.

Wednesday, Decm. 21. After family duties, & taking [word seems to be missing here] of ye family, & other things, rode to one of ye neighbors to get a housekeeper. Was kindly used by ye house. Oh, I would desire to bless God for all those daily mercies which I receive. Oh, God is ye fountain from whence all mercies proceed, both spiritual & temporal. --- In ye night was exercised with ye former disorder. Oh, yt [or if] it be God’s holy will yt He would heal my body, but above all yt my soul would be healed of all evil.

Thursday, Dec. 22^nd. Spent ye day at home in dividing & settling ye things of ye estate. Was in a perpetual hurry or tremor, had hardly time to rest myself. Had a pain in ye small of my back & was very feeble

[page 64]

& weak & was obliged to be up till very late at night, till near 12 o’clock. Seemed to have something of a fever, ye insides of my hands burned & felt very hot[?] seemed to have a weakness at or more of a stoppage at my stomach & breath seemed to be short & a load at my stomach. Went to bed in this condition. Seemed to be put to difficulty for breath, but ye Lord carried me thro ye night & helped me, blessed be his name.

Friday, Dec. 23. Assisted further in dividing & settling, tho with bodily indisposition & weakness & my former disorder seemed to increase. Spent ye day in an interrupted manner, &c. In ye night, was exercised with my former difficulty which (I believe) was caused by worry.

Saturday, Decm. 24th. Spent ye day at home. Was pretty poor & feeble. Did but to any advantage. In ye evening, was taken with ye disorder in my stomach & a spitting so yt ye water or spittle almost run continually; had a heat[?] or heart[?] burn; used some medicines, &c. --- But soon after I got to bed, ye Lord appeared for my help. I had a vomit, which came on me with great ease & seemed to remove ye pain & disorder speedily, & I had a comfortable night. --- O, I sought ye Lord, & he heard my desire & gave me help. O, blessed be his holy name[?]. O, he is my only physician & to him be all ye glory

[page 65]

Lord’s Day, Dec. 25. Walked afoot & back[?] to ye meeting; heard ye Deacon D[? just the initial is given] pray, who carried on ye exercise because Mr. Emerson was not yet able to go out to preach. In ye evening, meet with a few of ye society. Oh, blessed be God for one meeting opportunity more. After meeting & family duties, spent some time in secret prayer on my knees. Felt some spiritual warmth, if I am not deceived.

Monday, Decm. 26^th. Did some writing, &c, but spent ye day in a broken manner & to little profit. Was as usual as to my health, very weak & poor. In ye forepart of ye evening, walked to my brother Wetherill’s. There received an account of ye lottery, wherein it appeared as I thought yt I had drawn a prize of 6 dollars.

Tuesday, Dec. 27^th. Spent ye day in setting things in order for my housekeeping, &c. Seemed to be in a continual hurry, but brought but little to pass because of so many interruptions & hindrances by others where there is so much company. Was very weak & my disorder was very weakening & was extremely feeble.

Wednesday, Dec. 28. Did something about house in ye forepart of ye day [torn]

after part, assisted by brother in reckoning [torn]

with a comtee [i.e. committee] till very late at [torn]

as yt was near 12 before I got to bed [torn]

[last line nearly worn away and very difficult to read]

[Page 66]

Thursday, Dec. 29. Wrote some part of ye day & evening; was pretty much as usual as to my bodily state, &c. ---

Spent a considerable time in secret devotion.

Friday, Decm. 30. Spent considerable time in secret duties, but with little life fervor. Oh, I had no heart to cry mightily to ye Lord. Was much interrupted in secret duty by others. In ye evening, rode to ye tavern in order to settle a reckoning with a committee. Was obliged to stay till very late at night. Felt much spent & tired. Oh, there is no rest to be had in this world. Oh, it is full of trouble & vexation.

Saturday, Decm. 31. Rode to Mr. Wright’s to get some cheese & butter, my stomach being poor & having nothing to eat but meat victuals. In ye evening, took a new medicine (viz) stone[?] soot & chamber lye for ye disorder in reins. Oh, but all human means are of no value except ye Lord bless ‘em as He did a lump of figs for ye healing of Hezekiah[‘s] sores. Oh, I would look to God for help only as He shall enable me.

Lord’s Day, January ye 1st, 1758. This day being New Year’s Day, I went alone & spent some time in secret prayer & trying to bless God for the year

[torn] Oh, it is of ye goodness of God yt I am not con-

[torn] Oh, yt I had a heart suitable[?] to adore

[torn] ness of God for ye year past. Oh, I who was

[torn] weak &

[most of pages 67 & 68 are missing, and what remains is torn.]

[page 67]

dead &

ly to live yn [then or than]

Oh, what am I spared

& set apart for why

room of my sister

yn I, & was hearty &

enjoying ye pleasant [or pleasure]

is ye goodness of God &

in me. Oh, God hath

ye past tho many a

& summer past I did not

could ever live to see

or at least did but tit[torn]

Oh, God hath been bet[torn]

fears have been

Lord for all

& dedicate

-lauts

Oh, yt I

live

[page 68]

Ye

____

warmth & zeal

Oh how sweet it is

[torn]ten ye Lord Christ

ye loveliness of ye Lord

& see yt ye Lord is gracious

drawn out after God in

family prayer with Mr. Emerson

particularly in his prayer

difficult circumstances, &c.

[torn]ly entertained these[?] afternoon[?]

part of evening walked

ye society

Spent ye day at home, did

sort. ----

one with my

ness of settling

extremely[?]

thro